This has been a long avoided talk with myself. I don't even know how to start it or how to even talk about it. I've always felt that prying eyes could see past this behavior and see my deepest fears of this subject, especially as I befriend the pastors of the Churches I attend even so far as talking to them about personal struggles with relationships and even praying. God has been a constant for me all through this, studying and learning the Bible, knowing theological debates and knowing where my faith stands. I've felt passionate about such subjects and even in youth programs about even pastoring them.
The thing is I don't carry the stereotypical beliefs as many other Christians, not a I am disputing what the bible says but from my own studies what makes sense to me (examples might include sex, politics, abortion views, and homosexuals). I don't think that is as bad. What convicts me worse about this is that I've never felt I've had the "experience" with God that really qualifies me for any of that. I feel that a Youth Pastor would have to carry certain moral obligations which is rightfully good, but some of those would be teaching inside denominational lines which faith to me has never been like that.
I've always thought about going to one of those Bible Colleges, which I would love focused study in the bible, but I feel more it would be breaking down my behaviors and changing me into a believer of things that never ringed true to me. Whats the sense of gaining the whole world if you lose yourself kind of deal, I can't follow something I simply don't believe in because everyone else says so. I can't just go to one of these schools in hopes of feeling that "experience" because it should just be able to come of my own accord wherever I am.
I've seen my change and it is to thank God working in my life but I've just never connected as that person who could pray and talk to God on a regular basis. Would this experience fix that? Probably not? I'm not passionate about God I think as I should be because of this now, I am not one of those people that just accepts what the majority of faith accepts, and this feeling that I don't just follow that hinders my faith life to a point I feel that I am just sitting on the wrong side of the fence for God, yet I don't feel wrong like I usually have when it comes to convicting feelings.
The best way I can think of explaining is I have a faith that means everything to me, and I wouldn't disregard it without seeking deep proof of why I should give it up. Its a faith that sometimes feels without meaning(despite knowing the meaning of Jesus and love). If that can even make sense that it carries so much meaning yet doesn't at the same time. How can people not see this on me? I've been told that they can see the spirit of God upon me, but they can't see this little part of faith that continually tears away at me? Pastors that I have friended, have they seen this about me? Am I even "Christian" enough for faith?
Sometimes I don't feel people would understand my faith and would push me away, and with that I don't have very many friends of faith because I have this realistic view that they wouldn't understand and just humiliate me for not believing in such and such thing. I was already in a relationship once with a fellow believer whom would do that to me, even if I tried to speak reason alongside verses. Its a faith that feels misunderstood. Cut down. Lost... but real?
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Christ is not a Mask
Romans 13:11-14
"And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh"
If Christ is only used as a mask to perpetuate your own "good image" then you are trying to dirty the clothes Christ has given you. If only you could see that you put on your old dirty rags again. I don't have a "good image" I am a pretty horrible human being. There is no lie to that. People say I am a pretty good guy, and hey I am that too. I am not going to lie to myself though. I could improve this or that. I make mistakes, I own up to them the best I can. I've had less than pure relationships and carried out lusts in my relationships. I did deeply care for them, but is that a good enough excuse to cover my disrespect for them or myself? Probably not, but its my fault. I surely do not have my Righteous clothing that Christ gave me. Threw them in the dresser, and grabbed my dirty rags of my old life.
I am one of those "Christians" that probably perpetuates the hypocrisy, hate, and dislike for Jesus as a person. Jesus asked me to be a representative of him in the world. That is Jesus' light shining through my character and letting other people see the amazing life of Christ through me. One things wrong though, people get caught up in what I am doing with my life, especially focusing on my shortcomings. It seriously frustrates me to see other use Christ's clothing to promote their "good image" and fashion Jesus into a weapon. I've made my share of mistakes, but when I go to Christ and surrender my sins, and accept my clothing again to wear, its not our job now to go on a righteous quest to purge, put down or attack sinner. No, here it says to just to forget about satisfying the desires of the flesh. The examples of resisting "carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealous" are what we are to avoid this.
Ephesians 6:10-11
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
Saying this I guess some people might mention that their is the Armor of God, but again read just this short excerpt from it, "so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." I know that we tend to demonize people but I don't think that our Armor of God is something to be used against our fellow brother and siblings. The sinners that we live among yet we are sinners able to wear the Righteousness of Christ cause he wills us. What happen to forgive us the wrong we have done as we forgive those who wrong us we say in the Lord's Prayer? How about we stop using Christ as a mask, own up to our mistakes and not hold the same mistakes above another person's head.
"And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh"
If Christ is only used as a mask to perpetuate your own "good image" then you are trying to dirty the clothes Christ has given you. If only you could see that you put on your old dirty rags again. I don't have a "good image" I am a pretty horrible human being. There is no lie to that. People say I am a pretty good guy, and hey I am that too. I am not going to lie to myself though. I could improve this or that. I make mistakes, I own up to them the best I can. I've had less than pure relationships and carried out lusts in my relationships. I did deeply care for them, but is that a good enough excuse to cover my disrespect for them or myself? Probably not, but its my fault. I surely do not have my Righteous clothing that Christ gave me. Threw them in the dresser, and grabbed my dirty rags of my old life.
I am one of those "Christians" that probably perpetuates the hypocrisy, hate, and dislike for Jesus as a person. Jesus asked me to be a representative of him in the world. That is Jesus' light shining through my character and letting other people see the amazing life of Christ through me. One things wrong though, people get caught up in what I am doing with my life, especially focusing on my shortcomings. It seriously frustrates me to see other use Christ's clothing to promote their "good image" and fashion Jesus into a weapon. I've made my share of mistakes, but when I go to Christ and surrender my sins, and accept my clothing again to wear, its not our job now to go on a righteous quest to purge, put down or attack sinner. No, here it says to just to forget about satisfying the desires of the flesh. The examples of resisting "carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealous" are what we are to avoid this.
Ephesians 6:10-11
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
Saying this I guess some people might mention that their is the Armor of God, but again read just this short excerpt from it, "so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." I know that we tend to demonize people but I don't think that our Armor of God is something to be used against our fellow brother and siblings. The sinners that we live among yet we are sinners able to wear the Righteousness of Christ cause he wills us. What happen to forgive us the wrong we have done as we forgive those who wrong us we say in the Lord's Prayer? How about we stop using Christ as a mask, own up to our mistakes and not hold the same mistakes above another person's head.
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