This has been a long avoided talk with myself. I don't even know how to start it or how to even talk about it. I've always felt that prying eyes could see past this behavior and see my deepest fears of this subject, especially as I befriend the pastors of the Churches I attend even so far as talking to them about personal struggles with relationships and even praying. God has been a constant for me all through this, studying and learning the Bible, knowing theological debates and knowing where my faith stands. I've felt passionate about such subjects and even in youth programs about even pastoring them.
The thing is I don't carry the stereotypical beliefs as many other Christians, not a I am disputing what the bible says but from my own studies what makes sense to me (examples might include sex, politics, abortion views, and homosexuals). I don't think that is as bad. What convicts me worse about this is that I've never felt I've had the "experience" with God that really qualifies me for any of that. I feel that a Youth Pastor would have to carry certain moral obligations which is rightfully good, but some of those would be teaching inside denominational lines which faith to me has never been like that.
I've always thought about going to one of those Bible Colleges, which I would love focused study in the bible, but I feel more it would be breaking down my behaviors and changing me into a believer of things that never ringed true to me. Whats the sense of gaining the whole world if you lose yourself kind of deal, I can't follow something I simply don't believe in because everyone else says so. I can't just go to one of these schools in hopes of feeling that "experience" because it should just be able to come of my own accord wherever I am.
I've seen my change and it is to thank God working in my life but I've just never connected as that person who could pray and talk to God on a regular basis. Would this experience fix that? Probably not? I'm not passionate about God I think as I should be because of this now, I am not one of those people that just accepts what the majority of faith accepts, and this feeling that I don't just follow that hinders my faith life to a point I feel that I am just sitting on the wrong side of the fence for God, yet I don't feel wrong like I usually have when it comes to convicting feelings.
The best way I can think of explaining is I have a faith that means everything to me, and I wouldn't disregard it without seeking deep proof of why I should give it up. Its a faith that sometimes feels without meaning(despite knowing the meaning of Jesus and love). If that can even make sense that it carries so much meaning yet doesn't at the same time. How can people not see this on me? I've been told that they can see the spirit of God upon me, but they can't see this little part of faith that continually tears away at me? Pastors that I have friended, have they seen this about me? Am I even "Christian" enough for faith?
Sometimes I don't feel people would understand my faith and would push me away, and with that I don't have very many friends of faith because I have this realistic view that they wouldn't understand and just humiliate me for not believing in such and such thing. I was already in a relationship once with a fellow believer whom would do that to me, even if I tried to speak reason alongside verses. Its a faith that feels misunderstood. Cut down. Lost... but real?
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